On Exceptionality (Part II)

by kawrage

(Written earlier today. Part I here)

I just woke up from a dream where my family discovered I was non-heteronormative, and went after me and the person whom they believed was my partner. My heart’s pounding and my hands are shaking, but I remind myself that nightmares are often just expressions of our subconscious fears.

After these nightmares, I usually spend an hour in the shower, scrubbing myself vigorously. Not out of a conviction that I’m filthy or in an attempt to cleanse myself, but out of fury at myself for believing that my sexuality marks me as exceptional.

Despite my knowledge and awareness about the formation of sexual identities, how (and whose) bodies are marked as different and/or deviant, I still internalise a belief that I am exceptional, that my sexuality differentiates me.

I do wonder about the implications of feeling like an exception.